scars

okay.
so I had started this entry about a billion times, and never actually managed to get past the first few lines. I wrote like a page and a half of feelings during math, so I'm just gonna copy those into here, and that'll be my (slightly depressing) blog entry. kay? kay.
here we goooo. :)


omg. I thought that maybe I was gonna cry earlier. :( I was nervous about grad pictures, and I felt superfat. it was not a good morning. I woke up late (of course) with puffy eyes, and my face had broken out even more. :( I'm really hoping that my pictures turn out, cuz I'm super nervous about that.

last night sucked. like, epically. yesterday altogether wasn't too great, but last night sucked. mum tried to have a serious conversation with me about my weight issues, but I ended up bawling (even though I promised myself I wouldn't), and then when I couldn't produce an answer for her as to why I was crying, she got really pissed off and snapped at me, "I don't know why I expected you to tell me, you don't tell me anything anyways." and that almost made me start bawling like xfour right there, but I managed to control myself. we didn't really talk for the rest of the night. it's nights like these that are the reason that mum and I don't really talk that much. what she said majorly confused me though, cuz I what am I supposed to say? she's upset bcuz I don't talk to her about life or anything, but what do I say? I don't go anywhere, and I don't do anything but sit in my room and write or watch movies or listen to music. seriously, that's all I do. there isn't really anything to talk about. even if there was, when would I talk to her? her time is almost completely consumed by R and K, and when she's not busy with one (or both) of them, she's cranky. it sometimes feels like she doesn't have any time for me. I know that that's totally cliche, and most probably untrue, but that's what it feels like. I also know that I'm not the most affectionate person ever, and that I could work a little bit harder at having a good relationship with my mother.

I've felt superfat lately. nothing fits, and my love handles have grown immensely. as has my collection of stretch marks. :/ it's ridiculously depressing. what's more depressing though, is the realization that I've gained about 40lbs since the end of the summer. 40lbs. that's more than some women gain while pregnant. :/ it makes me feel gross. I had been doing so well, too. :(

ugh. band isn't really fun this year. everyone in the band hates each other, and we sound awful. I think it wouldn't be so bad if we sounded good, or, at the very least, liked each other. thankfully, three (not including this year) out of my six years in band, I was in a band that totally sucked. so in comparison, we don't sound too bad. I feel kind of bad for those who aren't used to it though, bcuz this is the worst the Juno HS band's been in the entire six years, I think. maybe it was not great in the beginning, but we were really good two years ago, and pretty good last year. this year though. wow. and it's not like we're actually that bad, cuz we're not. not really. and there are a few people in the band with some major talent. I think what annoys me the most though, is that half of us refuse to practice simply bcuz we don't care, and the other half don't practice bcuz they think that they're the best and that they don't need to practice. in reality, almost all of us do. I fit into both categories, but not fully. I don't practice bcuz I don't feel like taking my instrument home, and I know that in ten minutes in class (while resting) I can learn a part or at least improve upon it. that's where the second category comes in. sometimes I get so heady and cocky and think that I've got it all down, when in reality, I also know that I really need to practice some things or I'm just gonna sound stupid and gross. it's embarrassing. I know that my attitude should be more team-focused, and less individual (yes, I admit, I'm guilty of it too!), but sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it til afterwards. and I very rarely cop an attitude with her when she's helping me or telling me that I'm doing something wrong, and that I need to practice.

S really pissed me off today. she was bitching alll day about how she hates band bcuz we sound gross, and bcuz we're not playing All You Need is Love for the final concert. seriously? get over yourself. and then, in band class, I was asked to pick up a part until Remy comes back and has learned it. whatever, I don't mind at all. it's a neat part, and I know that I need to practice it. I didn't expect to just play it and sound amazing. everything takes practice. what pissed me off, was when we were playing the part, and S says, "they sound awful, they don't even know their part!" I was like, excuse me? you can fuck right off. I had just picked up that part like three seconds before, and I had never ever played it before. I think I did pretty good after practicing it a few times, but I suppose I'm not good enough for her standards. what a bitch, seriously. only today though. she had been pretty nice lately, and then today was like, WHAM, BITCH. it fucking annoyed me, if you couldn't tell. :)

anyways. I should probably go to bed, as it's midnight, and I have jazz in the am.
so, keep updated, and goodnight my dears. ♥