eleanor rigby

omgg.
I totally love this song. :)
I don't understand how this song is considered a love song though. it's about lonely people. :/ it's kind of a depressing thought, but I suppose if someone explained to me why it's a love song, maybe I would understand better.

so, today was a pointless waste of my time. mostly.
mum & I woke up late. we left the house at about 7:15a.
once we got to her work, I sat & read my book.
I'm making good progress, & I'm about a hundred pages away from finishing it. I'm not too sure what I want to read after this. Sundowners is just too good for words. :) this is the second time I've read it, & it just keeps getting better everytime I read it. it's so good. :)

I saw P this morning while I was walking to Macs with Sonja. seeing him just brought up feelings that I'd buried. it's dangerous for me to be going to school in such close proximity to him. lol. he has a girlfriend though. & he's more than over me by now, I'm sure. why wouldn't he be? it's been almost a year, & if he'd wanted to talk to me or be with me, then we'd be together, right? I mean, fate doesn't take this long, does it? I don't think it does. I think that we weren't meant to be anything more than (short-lived) friends. whatever. I'll move on. in fact, I already have. :)

in art, I colored both sides of a giant sheet of paper, & Zak taught me how to make a boat. I don't remember how, but if we're not doing anything else on monday, then I'll get him to teach me how again. it takes a few tries for something to really stick.

in chem, we watched a few videos.
all I really did was sit & wait for class to be over.
Lex & Remy were listening to my iPod, & Lex was singing & dancing really obnoxiously. it was quite amusing. it certainly made class seem to go by much faster.

we had a forty minute lunch break today.
Sharon & I got our usual (not to mention identical) lunches, & went to sit outside. it was nice outside, although the snow was melting weirdly & it looked & felt a bit like shattered glass. it was sorta neat, I suppose, but it was also a bit odd. it didn't seem right.

after lunch, we had a stupid volleyball game.
everyone had to pile into the gym, to watch the (pre-picked) students play against the (willing & stupid) teachers. I had bought a box of Smarties, just for the occasion. Sharon & I were Smartie racing, & then, out of nowhere, he came & sat down beside me. it made me kind of nervous, but at the same time, I tried to be as calm as I possibly could, & I wish that I could've made better conversation, cuz I would've loved to just sit & talk. he joined into the Smartie races with Sharon & I, but I totally kick ass at racing Smarties, so I won. :)

he was acting weird all day.
I don't know what was up with him (& I'm certainly not complaining), but he was just being extra flirty (?) today. any other day would've been totally fine, I would've been confident & more self-assured, but today I had a giant, splotchy red zit on my chin, & it's totally obvious. I was soo self-conscious about it all day.
other than that, I totally wish that he would text me.
I'm pathetic, I knoww.
god, I think I actually really like him.
while he was sitting next to me during the volleyball game, I kept wishing that he'd or hold my hand (I love to have my hand held), or just ask me out already. or somethinggg. like, I don't really want a relationship. relationships make me nervous. I do want a boyfriend though, & I want attention, & affection. it's weird. I don't normally want affection or attention. I don't understand myself when I'm around/texting him. it's almost like I'm not even myself. not that I'm really complaining about that, either, bcuz sometimes that's a good thing. I have a new-found confidence when I talk to him, usually, sorta. I'm not as awkward, & I can (generally) carry a conversation. auughhh. how confusing.

honestly, as far as self-confidence goes, I wish that I could be a lot more like Rebecca. she'll just ask guys for their numbers, & then she'll actually call them & have conversations. she'll tell people what's on her mind, & she makes things unawkward. in truth, I could be talking about either Rebecca, but I'm referring to Rebecca C. she's such a strange girl, but she's a sweetheart, & she has good intentions. she's confident in herself (even though she doesn't think so) & I totally wish I were more like her.

& the ex broke up with his ex.
he's told me that like four times in the last couple of conversations we had. it's kind of pathetic, actually, bcuz I think he's looking for something, but I don't want to be with him. I mean, I do, but not really. I want to be with him cuz he's familiar, & bcuz I know him well. I can easily talk to him, & there isn't much awkwardness. on the other hand, I don't actually like him like that, & he can be a total dick. he's too needy & jealous, & I enjoy flirting with whoever I wish. there are just too many aspects of our relationship that don't work, & I don't want to put up with that. the last couple of months of us dating totally sucked. it was routine, boring, & there wasn't much effort put into it. he'd call, but he'd either say that "his dad was calling" & that he'd call me back later, or he just wouldn't talk. the second usually led to the first. it got seriously annoying. at this point, I don't think that I'd get back together with the ex. I don't regret dating him, but I wouldn't do it again. he's just got too much growing up to do, & I don't feel like waiting around for him to get his shit together.

Grandma Pat wants me to go over to her house tonight to fold pamphlets.
I agreed, bcuz I feel bad about not spending more time with them, & bcuz I'm desperate to get out of the house. I'm crazy bored, & this may be my only chance. lol. I think I'll be getting supper out of the deal, whether it's bought or cooked. I don't really care, I suppose, as long as I eat something that I don't have to make. seriously. I'm so ridiculously lazy, that if she doesn't feed me, then I probably won't eat. that's just the way that it goes.

I think I might watch The House Bunny again later. it's been a while since I last saw it, & it's a good laugh. I just need a movie to watch tonight, or I think I might strangle myself out of boredom. seriously. I can't stand to be so bored.

so, Grandma Pat did feed me.
I had chicken, a can of corn, & a ton of rice.
it was very good, bcuz I hadn't really eaten anything all day. :/

I'm gonna go to bed now, though.
I'm incredibly tired, & I have to work tomorrow evening.
so keep updated, & have a goodnight. ♥