prostitution is the world's oldest profession (and I, dear madam, am a professional)

I'll start off by explaining why I chose this song as the title of this post. :)
I decided to use this song as this entry's title bcuz I really love the title of this song. I also enjoy the song, but the title is just awesome. :)

I also like the first few lines of this song.
they are :
"do you know who I am?
good, neither do I.
got nothing to say (I got nothing to say)
but if you pay me, I can play the fool."

anyways.
I'll continue with my incredibly boring ramblings & our usually scheduled programming. :)

so I think I messed things up.
in fact, I'm pretty good at messing things up, so there's a good possibility that I did.
he texted me all weekend. it was constant, & very flirty, & amazing.
& then I totally messed up, bcuz of my stupid insecurities. I feel like a total idiot.
I realized, though, that I'm the thing that's standing in the way of my having a normal, functioning relationship. I don't know why, but I can't let myself be in a relationship. I make things weird, & I overthink everything. anyways. back to the current problem. so he was pretty intent on me sending him a "skimpy" picture of myself, but I don't like to send pictures like that of myself to people, bcuz who knows where it could end up, right? well at one point, I kinda just stopped answering him. yes, I do realize that that was a pretty stupid approach to that one, but seriously. I didn't know what else to do. I'm horrible at dealing with situations like that. agh. :/ well, he didn't text me for the rest of the evening, & not today either. I'm an idiot. :/

& then there's the ex.
he told me today that he misses me, still likes me, & wants to be with me.
aaghh. I wish he could've just kept his stupid mouth shut. I mean, I was trying to get over him. he certainly never has been one to make things easier. geez. I asked him, straight up, why he broke up with me. he said that it was bcuz he was afraid of commitment, but not anymore. he also said that he didn't think that the breakup would actually last. all of our other breakups have been like, a day or two. not five months. AGH. I don't like him at the moment. I desperately want to tell him to go fuck himself, & that I hope that he gets erectile dysfunction. I want to, except that I don't want to. fuck him. fuck me. this is so messed up. :/ I swear we have one of the most messed up relationships, ever.
we're total opposites. he's crazy about sex, & I want nothing to do with it. he's obsessed with sports, & I'm an intense band geek. the list goes on. & I really want to be with him, but at the same time, I don't. I want to take that chance, cuz I'm still young. I still have time to mess things up & be in relationships that are obviously stupid, but at the same time, I don't wanna mess up again. I don't wanna get hurt like that again. it's just too much. I don't think I can handle it. I mean, I'm a little stronger now, yes, but I still can't handle that kind of emotional rejection. & he's still pretty much the same person. I just wish that we could go back to the summer. we had a great summer. one of the best summers of my life, that's for sure.
UGH. AGH. UGH. I don't know what to do.

anyways.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
& I don't mind school, I just don't wanna go, cuz school is disgustingly boring.

alright, well this post was pretty depressing, so I'm gonna end it now.
I'll try to update tomorrow, but, no guarantees, as I have Jazz in the am, & I'll be crazy tired & icky feeling tomorrow evening. keep updated. :)