we've got a big mess on our hands

(this post is gonna be a long one, I can tell)

I have too many things to do, I think.

I have to:
- do laundry
- shower/shave my legs
- pack
- charge my iPods
- try to tidy my room a bit (esp my desk & top bunk)
- sleeep
- journal some more

it really doesn't seem like much, but it feels like a lot.
I don't really want to do any of it, either, even though they're all such little tasks.
I don't have the energy, nor do I have the want. I only got about four hours of sleep last night, & I guess that's why I'm in such a negative mood this afternoon. :/

I'm almost finished my third journal. :) I'm quite proud of myself. esp since I only started the current journal in mid-May. :) normally it takes me at least a year - two years to finish a journal, but I guess I just wrote like crazy in this one. :) I love journalling, although I don't really like to go back & read what I wrote. I re-read the journal that I kept from 2007 - 2008, & boyyy. I was depressed. :/ I just wanted to curl up & die. I'm quite thankful that I didn't, though. :) I'm rather happy now, & reading back on it, it's almost like I'm a totally different person. :D I'm kinda happy with who I've become. although I can be naive & ignorant, I've still broadened my horizons & I've certainly become a better person, altogether. :)

everyone's so hyped up about hockey & the superbowl. personally, I couldn't care less. I mean, yeah, I get it, hockey's the national sport & blah blah blah. but to me, it's just tedious, & boring. :/ men get dressed up to skate around in a cold rink, chasing around a puck & occasionally getting into fights. & for what? a few points a game. that seems like a lot of work that could be avoided. & football? oh mann. men pull on tight pants, sweat & tackle each other, all in hopes to touch balls. most people would call that sex, but I guess when you add clothing, it becomes a "sport". obviously I understand the love for something. the passion for something that some people don't understand. but sports? so not my thing.

I brought home my piccolo when I started exam break, about three weeks ago, & unfortunately, haven't touched it since. it's been sitting in the same spot on my top bunk since that first day. I dunno why, but I haven't felt like playing it at all. I know that I really should've practiced my festival music (esp Spitfire!), but I really had no care to.
I did, however, get a new guitar. :) I named it Hernandez, & when I get a good picture, I'll definitely post it. I fell in love with it when I saw it at the store. soo gorgeous. I've played Hernandez a few times since I got him, but some of the tabs that I was interested in, I either can't find, or are excruciatingly hard for a pathetic beginnner like myself. lol. ah well, I suppose after I get a lot better, I'll re-attempt them. :)

I leave for band camp in the morning. it's only a two night, three day affair, but I'm not really looking forward to it. :( I mean, don't get me wrong, I love band camp. it's a ton of fun. but it's intense. the ten hour practices, & the bitchy guest conductors, & the sectionals. it's just too much for three days. it should almost be a week-long thing. almost. I doubt that I could handle my classmates (& the lack of sleep that goes hand-in-hand with band camp) for that long. I love my band class, mostly. we're like a (very dysfunctional) family, & that's cool with me. I just can't handle being stuck in one place with them for so long. some of the gr 10s annoy me, & last year's band was like, twice as good & twice as much fun. I dunno. I'm kinda reminiscent of those days. I guess it's just that this year's gr 10s are not as cool. they're alright, & I adore some of them, but sometimes, I just wanna punch the entire clarinet section (minus Shifrah) out. & our low brass is kinda depressing. there's only four of them, & three of them don't even care. when listening to our pieces, it's very noticeable. oh god, & my section. it's not Remy. Remy's a doll, & she plays her heart out. it's Jamie. he doesn't wanna be there, & it shows. he doesn't care, & he doesn't practice. I try to hold sectionals, but he's soo against my authority that I get nowhere. :/ I reached my wit's end last year. this year, I kinda gave up. I know, I know. giving up was a stupid thing to do, but I didn't know what else to do. this is final semester, though, the home stretch. this semester, I'm gonna come down hard on sectionals & practicing, & sounding good for the final concert is my biggest priority. I'm gonna follow through. :)

& then there's Jazz. the bane of my existence, & yet, my favorite extracurricular. :) I play bass guitar in Jazz. this semester, I'll get to play Hernandez in Jazz. :) I'm gonna try a lot harder in Jazz. although, my mark this year is significantly better than last year's was. I'm gonna sound better. I'm gonna ask Michael for help if I need it (which I frequently do..) & I'm gonna sound kickass for the final concert. :)

oh man. I have math, art, & chem, all in one semester.
I don't think I'm gonna live through this final semester. :(
seriously. I hate hate hate math. I can't do it, even when I work my ass off & actually take notes & try. I don't understand any of it, & I can't imagine passing math 30. I'm gonna have to work four times harder than my hardest, & ask for tons of help. that sucks. I hate asking for help in math, cuz I always feel stupid, & the teacher can never explain it how I'll understand it. maybe that's cuz I just won't understand it. I want to. so badly. I dunno why I can't. :( ~ & chem? I could probably pass chem if I consistently ask for help on things that I don't understand. I know that I can pass if I try my hardest, & keep up-to-date on my homework & notes. unfortunately, the first three days of the new semester, I'll be spending at band camp. & the last week of the semester, all that review? I'll be missing that for my grad trip (which I sorta don't really wanna go on, anyway). this semester's definitely gonna be a hard one, for me. :/ ~ & then I have art. which, to be honest, I don't mind. it gives me time to think, unwind, & be creative. there's no pressure in art, bcuz it comes kinda naturally. the art teacher though? goddd. I kinda can't stand her. she did/does a lot of drugs, & is pretty fried bcuz of it. she's totally random & has the stupidest rules. I took her art class when I was in gr 10, & now she expects these huge & amazing things from me. I always seem to make her happy, but dayumm. it's a lot of work. lol.

I feel like I bore people.
I don't really have that many friends, & when people start conversations with me (via msn, facebook, nexopia, whatever), the conversations generally don't last for very long. it's kinda depressing. I try to make them thrive, but even at my best attempt, they die out. I don't mean to bore people, or be poor at making conversation, I just never know what to talk about, & I'm a horribly awkward person. :/ it's rather miserable.

sometimes, I think that I should've been born a man.
I mean, I like pretty cars that go fast, I like to fix/take apart things. I use people til I've gotten what I want out of them, & then feel no remorse when I'm done. I manipulate others to get my way. I'm self-centered & I think that the world revolves around me. I don't like to talk on the phone or discuss my feelings with my significant other. I'm kinda morbid, & I love horror movies. I enjoy fried foods & video games. I'm okay with dressing like a slob. I love guitars. I find them absolutely gorgeous, & I could spend all day playing.

on the other hand, though. I was definitely meant to be born a woman. :)
I love to dress up. I love to sew. I love to cook/bake. I love to wear makeup & look pretty. I like to paint my nails & dye my hair. I like bows & dresses, & I absolutely adore heels. I like cute tees & tank tops. I like being curvy & sweet. I enjoy rocking out & then cuddling. I live to love.

I'm really in love with the song I Want to Save You by Something Corporate.
it's beautiful, & I love his voice. the lyrics mean something to me, too.
I really love Something Corporate (& Jack's Mannequin, too). they're so good. :)

alright. so Micheal's been talking to me a lot lately.
I didn't know how I felt about that, for quite some time. I did realize, though, that I stopped being mad at him. I don't know when, & I don't know how, but I'm just not mad at him anymore. there's only so long that you can stay mad at someone, & I guess that time had come & gone.
he confuses me, though. he's got a girlfriend, yet he'll say things to me that suggest that he wants to get back together. I refuse to say anything that could sway his decision towards me, bcuz I don't want to be a homewrecker. his girlfriend doesn't deserve that (even though she's a total bitch), no girlfriend does.
he'll say things like, "even though I have a girlfriend, I really miss dating you" or "we had some really good times. I miss those. I miss you." or "I miss the way you'd look at me, & your voice & your eyes."
AGH. can you say, mixed signals, much?? stupid boy. he doesn't make sense, & I want to dislike him. I don't want to have any feelings for him. maybe only platonic ones. certainly not feelings that could in any way be construed as romantic. aghh. I hate this.

my mother, is seriously one of the most unreasonable people on the planet. seriously.
she's being totally unflexible on this whole not-letting-me-take-my-cell-to-band-camp thing. seriously! I mean, I would totally understand if I were going to band camp in another province or something, but I'm going half an hour outside of the city. it's not like I'm gonna run up my bill or anything. & you wanna know the reason she's not letting me take my phone? bcuz my band teacher told the parents that she'll take away any phones that she sees. that's a school rule, so she's obligated to say that, but really, she doesn't care. & I'll be the only person there without my phone. everyone else will have theirs & will be texting everyone & complaining about the ten hour rehearsals & the bad food. & everyone else will be able to stay in contact. & I'll have to stay in contact by buddying up with someone who not only has a phone, but a hookup, too. fucking stupid woman sometimes. she has no rules, ever, but the second someone says something that suggests a form or parenting, she's got to be parent-of-the-year. she can go to hell, for all I care. I love her, sure, but I definitely don't like her. she drives me up the wall, & she's got the stupidest rules (when she actually decides to have rules). I wish she'd just make up her fucking mind. are you gonna be a parent, or aren't you? cuz if you are, it's really too late for me. I respect her, sure, but I don't respect her rules or her parenting style. it's completely ineffective, & she's just a giant bitch sometimes. & quite often, I fell like I'm raising her. that's great parenting, huh? fuck. I'll most likely go to bed super angry at her, even though you're totally not supposed to.

I have a random quote. it's one that I've pretty much been really into for the last couple of days.
here it is:
"you gotta find a way to survive, cuz they win when your soul dies." - unknown
I really like this quote, cuz it reminds you to be strong. it's a quote that reminds you that you're better than that, & not to let them get to you. it's a good quote, I think.

I guess I'm done this entry for today.
check back in three or four days, when I update about band camp & my bitch of a mother. :)